My liver just broke up with me...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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