So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
