Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
