Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize