it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
