Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
