i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
