my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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