I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
