Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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