Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Rumble strips road head = magical
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
