There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
