How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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