I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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