she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
