He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
