My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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