i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
