the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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