so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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