also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My vagina is officially offended.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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