i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
