I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
