She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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