I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
even my farts smell like vagina
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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