Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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