How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize