My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
