It's a beautiful day for a hangover
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
