I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize