Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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