omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
