Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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