In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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