This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
