when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
