How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize