Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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