I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
