A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Text me some of your sweat
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