Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
