Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize