Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
