he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
