I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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