i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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