I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
