Your mouth is God's brothel.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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