im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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