I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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