hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
