when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
