Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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