I love black thongs
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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