Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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