be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
