Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
