is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
