Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
