oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
