My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
