you didnt know i had herpes?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
