So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm like, not good at living.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
