I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
